Every year on Mother's Day when I would tell Gram J to have a happy one, she'd say, in all seriousness, "Mother is half a word."
I always laughed and am very fond of repeating it for the laughs it generates...especially when I preface it with, "My Nan always said..."
Back then, I always thought the other half of the word was the mother of all curse words, and the one that whenever I said it, and I tend to say it frequently, Nan always made me put a half dollar in the swear jar at the bar when I worked. I say it enough it seriously started eating into the tips.
Anyway, the Time cover, with a 26 year old mother breastfeeding her 3-year old son (who is standing on a chair to reach), is burning up the feminist blogosphere. Honestly, I could give two shits about the photo. Its the caption that set me on fire--"Are you MOM ENOUGH?"
The article is actually about attachment parenting, another topic I'm not delving into, but boy does everyone and her dog have an opinion about breastfeeding and what makes a woman a "good" mother.
What I'm really tired of, REALLY, is the division among women that arises anytime it involves mothering. Seriously. Nine times out of ten, the first question a mother-to-be is asked, aside from "When are you due?" is, "Are going natural or not?" This is inevitably followed by "Are you breast feeding or not?"
Then there is the head shaking, the eye rolling, the "Let ME tell you how you are wrong, and how it makes you a VERY BAD mother, because your decision obviously proves you are a selfish, clueless individual."
And the ones that really make me want to pull out my bitch slapper: "OH! You wooork. Someone else is raising your kids." Or, "Oh, you stay at home and your kid's still that big of an asshole? You must not be motivated enough/smart enough to do anything else."
And, this, my friends, is where I totally lose it. Because 99.99% of the time, its another mother passing judgement.
All of this arises from ONE.SINGLE.THING. Because I have a functioning womb (and you too, if you do), I am supposed to believe that my single greatest calling in life, the holy grail of all womandom, the ONE and ONLY thing for which I will face judgment in the hereafter, is how I measured up to societal standards of motherhood. I have two words for that, and I say them in my best Trucker-From-Thelma-and-Louise impersonation: "FUCK THAT!"
The panties are probably starting to bunch, but stop fooling yourself and get off all of your righteousness. EVERY mother is a working mother, and EVERY working mother is a full time mother. With all the expectations we put on our own heads combined with those of society, are we EVER mom enough?
Sure, abandon your children. You're not getting mother of the year. Lock 'em in a car while you get liquored up, you deserve jail and for someone else to get the little angels. BUT, you generally do the best you can do, teach your kids how to behave and function in society, give them all the love you have to give, and give it the old college try and end up with a functional human being, you did a pretty good job and all of that trauma and guilt you inflicted on yourself for at least 18 years, usually gets you the Mom blue ribbon. Just look at how many followed the book and ended up with a 30 year old still living in the basement. Nothing is guaranteed and judgement from others only compounds the difficult decisions we make every waking moment.
I'm tired of hearing women attack women for how they give birth, how they feed and for how long, and whether they stay home or work.
Being a mother is the most difficult decision any woman EVER makes. You choose to give up everything to helicopter your children, good for you. You have my support. You decide to keep on, keeping-on with what you love, and make time for yourself once a while, you still have my support.
I'm not attacking you for any choice you make, and I am a firm believer no one should. The best you can do for your child is what you know, deep in that maternal heart, to be right and good. Make educated decisions based on what is right for you and your children. No one, EVER, has a right to tell you how to do it.
And, this is why I was so upset about "Are you MOTHER ENOUGH?" This is an article about parenting. PARENTING. Last time I checked, in the absence of a tragedy, a child HAS TWO PARENTS. Why in the name of all that is holy is it STILL all about mom? Why is it mom that always gets asked if she made the right decision and tortures herself day and night wondering if she did right? Because really, and I know I'm a radical, but REALLY, back.the.fuck.off.. Seriously. Back away. Preferably very slowly and keep your hands where I can see them. If I wanted you there, you'd be the other parent.
The answer, like it or not, is that most women still make less than men, and we strive to live up to the expectations, our own and society's. Kids get sick? Mom takes off work because it makes economic sense to do so or because "that's the way it's always worked." At least that's what everyone thinks.
Look up the Mommy tax, and you'll find it hits men just as hard. Men with children are likely to make less than men who are kidless. Can't find good childcare? Most likely mom's gonna give up the paycheck for the same reasons.
These statistics are changing; more women are graduating from college than men. More and more women are becoming the primary bread winners, but the expectations of being a mother linger. Its beyond time for a change.
My mom was always fond of telling me in high school that no one gets pregnant on accident anymore. I believe that is true. I also wholeheartedly believe that when you decide to become a mother or father, a parent, you take on an obligation to hold yourself to that obligation and a standard to do it the best possible way you can. I am the first to admit there are many things we OWE our children. Guilt over them isn't one of them.
No one gets questioned about everything they do, everything they don't, more than a mother---and its almost always by other mothers. The guilt mothers carry is sometimes overwhelming and all consuming, and no one will ever convince me that its not because we are held to a higher standard in parenting. Its the ultimate catch-22.
I love being a mother. My children have saved my life, and that is not being overly dramatic. But, I have to admit on this, with ALL the judgement it will bring, my husband is a better PARENT. I've learned, after lots of tears and guilt, it doesn't make me any less of a mother, or mean I'm a bad mother. I hold myself accountable for my faults and know what I am better at and what I can do better at. He just really, truly is better at it than me. I should probably be ashamed at that, but I'm not.
What women need is a realization that we are all in this together, and we need to stop attacking each other for the decisions we make as mothers, or to not be mothers. We need to stop handing out tickets for the guilt train to every woman that chooses something different than ourselves. We need to stop hijacking motherhood to support our self-worth.
What we REALLY need to acknowledge are the policy issues affecting FAMILIES--equal pay, affordable child care, PARENTAL leave (notice I didn't say 'maternity leave').
Because until we realize 'mother' IS half a word--half of parenting--we're dooming half the world's population to a load that was never meant to be carried alone, and we're doing it to ourselves.
