Uranium-235 has a half-life of something like 700 million years. I'm not a nuclear scientist, but I'm pretty sure that by the time this stuff has passed even 4 half-lives, the Easter grass I bought 7 years ago will still be lingering in the jungled-over ruins of my rotted house. Some future archaeologist will find it and try to piece together what purpose it served in ancient times.
For reals. I haven't purchased or used Easter grass in 7, yes SEVEN, years, and despite having vacuumed at least twice and having purged the children's bedroom several times during those years, I still find it--in the most random places, like the corner of the bathroom or a heater vent.
The stuff keeps living; well, its that or old Lewie Pasteur giving the smack-down to the theory of spontaneous generation was total bullshit. Either way, Easter grass is a pain-in-the-ass to a level that only parents can fully understand.
I've officially been the barer of fruits of my loin for 16 years last Wednesday. I cannot emphasize enough how this doesn't make me an expert in the parenting realm. I am of the humble opinion that it does, however, deserve me an honorary Ph.D. in "Knower of Things That Drive Average Non-Overachieving Parents Insane." So, in the name of philanthropy aimed at helping the less fortunate overcome Asshole Syndrome, I offer the following dissertation on "Things That Drive Lazy Parents Such As Myself Insane" (Easter grass not included, because you already know my thoughts on that).
Oh, and I should caveat, its mostly me just being an easily irritated bitch, so don't take it personal.
1. The Coach from The Stand Reliving His Glory Days of High School Sports Parent (or, more commonly I NEVER Played Sports but My Kid is Destined to be the Player I Never Was Parent): This is the guy (or lady) that is stretching and warming up at a little league game for 4-year olds. This is the parent keeping score when the score board is shut off for a reason. This is the parent screaming at their kid during a time-out to do something while the coach is trying to tell the kid something--these two things the kid is hearing are usually EXACT opposites. This is the guy, who at a basketball game for kindergarteners, is showing off his mad dribbling skills (usually off some kids head) and trying to slam dunk in front of the other parents. You know what parent can get away with that shit and look cool? Michael F*N Jordan. The only one. Ever.
2. The Endless Advice Giver: This is usually the lady who is the room mom, scout mom, religious education volunteer, president of the PTO, school board runner, obsessive pinner, and food storage fanatic (all home-grown, organically, of course, and canned in her own kitchen). She has a daily photoblog for every.single.day. of her 9 children's lives. She's usually the one with the disapproving look in the corner when you're five minutes late for story time at the library. Her kid could read before he walked and was doing differential equations before he weaned, which she credits to a diet completely lacking in sugar and processed food (I mean, really. Who needs a childhood and social skills?). She's usually the one you have to work with at the Barnes and Noble book fair, and she orders you to accost people for donations while she holds down a chair and tells you how lucky she is she doesn't have to work and feels so sorry for you, while you secretly plot smacking her in the face with a Women's Studies textbook on 'privilege.' If all else fails, you can recognize her when she runs in a panic to stop her kid from eating flies out of the window seal.
3. The Clueless, Oblivious, I-Either-Overdosed-On-my-Xanax-or-Have-no-Brain parent: This is the lady you get stuck volunteering with over an activity that makes herding ferile cats look like a cake walk. She turns in circles searching for a pen for 2 hours and makes you realize those Deadheads have nothing on this bitch. She forgets what she was talking about mid-sentence of a 10 minute, monotonous story about laundry, and happy hour is still five hours away. Her children are the ones tearing shit off the walls and screaming like an air raid alarm. She's usually best friends with the Endless Advice Giver. There's a middle ground, people. Find it.
4. The I-Don't-Really-Give-a-Shit Parent: This is the parent that only shows up because they feel obligated (and, if your kid's school is like ours, they get charged $20 an hour for every hour under the volunteer quota). This parent is thankful that for 8 hours a day, someone else has to deal with this shit. This parent has no clue when anything is due, because the spouse takes care of all that. This parent beats foot to volunteer for the beer and wine stand at the Halloween carnival. This is the parent of the child constantly saying, "My mom forgot. I told her to put it on the calendar, but she forgot." This parent rolls her eyes when you offer advice about sugar, bedtime, spanking, and just advice in general. You can identify the fruits of this parent's womb by the stream of curse words they use, in context, in front of nuns at Bingo night, when they are three. This parent is me.
5. Grandma: This is the lady formerly referred to as 'Mom', that beat you within an inch of your life for lying. This is the lady that never let you go to school without a hot breakfast (i.e. freaking pancakes...NO cereal.EVER.), but sees absolutely no problem with feeding your children chocolate cake and ice cream for breakfast. She's usually accompanied by someone going by the name of Papa. He's the guy that she always told you for whom you were gonna be sorry when he got home. She pulled her hair and said things like, 'You're driving me stark RAVING MAD!', but your kid brain thought she said "To start raking mud", and you always pictured her in the borrow pit with a trowel. This is the lady that begs you to let her have your kids for the weekend, then returns demon spawn that behave as if they were never taught a thing. EVER. You'll know this lady when all the things she said would kill you as a child, are the things she enables your child to do. She's usually the lady in a store somewhere with angelic children worshipping her like a saint. You'll recognize her by the fact she never tells children 'no.'
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