One thing you never forget about a Chinese hangover is that you can't drink the water. Nikki woke me up at 6:00 in the morning. I stare up at the teak ceiling, thinking, this is no way to start a vacation. I've had five hours sleep in two days.
"Jens! Get up!" she says, "We need food!"
My tongue feels huge. I'm pretty sure my head is going to explode, and I can still taste the 52% alcohol. I blink and it feels like my eyes are bleeding. I try to peel my tongue from the roof of my mouth. "WATER," I manage to get out in a hoarse voice, but I don't want to get up to get it.
Nikki hands me a warm beer from the night before, and I swallow back a gag, turning up my nose and shaking my head. It hurts to move my head, so I cradle it in my hands, covering my eyes. "What the HELL!?" I manage to get out after a few minutes. "Don't you sleep?"
"Can't," she mutters and shakes me. "Get up! I need food!"
"I need sleep!" and I try to roll over, covering my head with blankets.
Nik pulls them off. "UP!" she says, and somehow, I manage to get into an upright position.
"Jesus ever lovin!" I cry. "Fine," and somehow I stumble to the bathroom. I wobble on the way and realize I'm still drunk. I sit on the toilet, holding my head in my hands and feel like I could die, but am more scared I might actually live to sobriety and know the hangover is going to be brutal.
I manage to brush my teeth, which makes me feel slightly better even though I am fighting heaves. "Gambe my ass!" is all I can think the whole time.
We stumble down the stairs to the water cooler, its five gallons and half empty. There isn't enough water to save me. I down three glasses; glasses that take way too long to fill. "Where can a girl get a bloody mary?" I ask Nik.
She looks at Dave and he says something about a camel. We walk out the door and it hits me like a ton of bricks, taking my breath away.
Its 6:00 in the morning and already 90 degrees. The humidity is so thick it feels like you could cut the air. My skin gets sticky, but my mouth is still dry. My tongues wants to stay glued to the roof of my mouth. I'm pretty sure I look as bad as I feel.
We have to walk out of the gated community and I'm pretty sure I am sweating 52% alcohol. Why a person agrees to drink that shit eludes me. I want to shake my head, but it hurts too bad. I don't realize it at the time, but there is silence all around me and it will be the last time that happens in China. We walk to the main road to hail a cab and there is no traffic...a few scooters is all. Again, this is an oddity I don't realize on my first day.
We hail a cab and make it to The Camel. I down one bloody mary, order waffles, and try to drink a glass of cold water. The water tastes like sweat, so I can't drink it. My waffles turn out to be two ham and cheese croissants, which I'm told to savor, cheese being hard to get here. Nothing tastes good, so I just have another bloody mary, trying to stave off the worst of the hangover I know is coming.
I light a cigarette, but it makes me heave so I put it out. I stare at two white people in the back of the bar. They're making out and I wonder if they've made it to bed at all.
We walk down empty, tree lined streets. A lady sweeps with a broom made from tree branches. I feel like I'm drowning in the humidity and it dawns on me that evven buldings sweat in Shanghai. I put one foot in front of the other, and it takes a lot of effort. I want to go back to bed.
We make it back to that huge house, the dogs bark and I'm afraid we're gonna wake the maid. I trudge up three flights of stairs and fall back into bed. Just as I'm about asleep, Nikki, comes back in. "Get your stuff," she says. "We're going back to the apartment and you have to check in at the police station."
We take a cab. We pass the Pearl Tower and the Bund. The elevator makes my stomach turn.
I shower. Sit in front of the air conditioner. I drink a beer because, again, no water. I stair at the wall, still in disbelief I'm in China. Dave has us tickets to Beijing on the train tomorrow. Soft sleeper and I realize I'm kinda scared to sleep with people I have yet to meet.
I find myself in the heat again. Surrounded by people, walking packed streets, horns blaring, I trudge to the police station. I follow Dave and realize I have no idea which direction we are headed, how far we have gone, or where we turned. Did we turn? Every step presents a new smell.
Someone is cooking garlic. Another step and I'm pretty sure that's a sewer I smell. Another and its curry. Another, and I actually gag. A lady is cooking on a grill set on the street. I gag again, water fills my eyes. Dave looks back at me, "Stinky tofu," He says.
Stinky doesn't even begin to cover it. I'm pretty sure that if someone sat that on a table in front of me, I'd lose my lunch, even without the worst hangover I've ever had in my life. I'm pretty sure now, I'm gonna puke, right in the middle of the street. I swallow, hard, and fight the gagging reflex. I don't think those bloody marries are gonna be good a second time, so I just keep walking.
Its three now, and I have exactly one hour to make it to the police station before my 24 hours are up. We walk into the police station and everyone stops everything to stare. A lady police officer shouts something in Chinese and points us to the corner. I look at Dave, he shrugs like he has no idea, so we sit where she points. I notice water in the corner, and down five glasses.
A lady appears behind the glass where we sit. She says something neither of us understands, so I shrug and hand her my passport and a slip of paper with Dave and Nikki's address on it. We're out of the International District now, in the university part of town where Nikki and Dave live. Tourists don't make it here, and we're the only white people I've seen in hours. This isn't a sleepy part of town like we just left. Its obvious the police lady has no idea how to fill out my papers. She calls someone and another officer appears. She tries asking us questions, Dave can't understand either, so we just shrug.
She's lecturing now, pointing at the clock, and I sense she's letting me know I shouldn't have waited so long. I shrug again and hold my hands up. "Tee me no," Dave says to her. It means "I don't know," and she rolls her eyes in frustration, an expression I'll become very familiar with over the next couple of weeks whenever I repeat that phrase.
She's trying to fill out papers with the help she called, and its taking forever. I'm getting nervous. I don't like police stations, and I have this dreaded fear they're gonna haul me in the back and harvest a kidney...I watch too much "Locked Up Abroad."
She hands me a piece of paper with my passport and points to the door. I think she just kicked us out.
We make it back to the apartment, past the stinky tofu again, and the elevator makes my ears pop. I can't think about how high I am in that elevator without getting sick all over again. This hangover refuses to die.
My first day in China and my head still hurts, my tongue still sticks in my mouth like a lump of cotton, and all I can think is, "I never should have came."
I skype the hubs and kids, cry more than a few tears, and fall into bed right after dinner...at 6:00. I'm pretty sure, as I shut the bedroom door, I've never been this tired before.
Nikki says we're going to some temples tomorrow, before we get on the train to Beijing. I try like hell to muster some Zen and just accept everything, try to forget home, try to remember this is the moment of a lifetime, but I cry myself to sleep.
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